Therapeutic Thoughts

I recently watched Rocketman, a film based on Elton John's life and music. Beyond the music, dance and costumes, the film tells the story of a painful childhood steeped in invalidation and harsh criticism. In one moving moment, after hitting rock bottom, John offers his younger-self what was not available to him emotionally from his parents. That short scene sheds light on a dual need- the historical need in nurture, warmth and acceptance and the present-day need to feel loved, appreciated and heard.  Not one of us can travel back in time to fill any needs that were not (fully) met and erase the pain of that deficit, and we all have the power to fill the void that continues to live in our present context. It takes work to develop this skill and to build a sense of emotional safety. I am always touched and grateful when I get to support individuals in this process and to witness their journey of self-healing.  As Elton John and Bernie Taupin co-wrote (in 2001):  I want lo...

As many of us exercise mindfulness as a tool to enhance equanimity and emotional well-being, we may find it difficult to reconcile what seems like a conflict. On the one hand, we want to allow ourselves to experience all feelings, even the ones that bring discomfort or pain, while on the other hand we strive to accept that which we realistically cannot change. For example, how can we accept the grief over the death of a loved one, the loss of employment or a school year or a relationship, or over watching a parent deteriorate physically and cognitively? How can we accept what we so much wish to be different, while embracing the sadness, anguish and helplessness attached to that reality? Perhaps the key is to honour both ends. We can make room for the feelings, like setting daily "worry time" or "crying time" over what is scary, frustrating or painful, AND create a space for some compassionate radical acceptance like saying to ourselves "I wish things could be d...

About 2 weeks ago, a man asked women on Facebook the following question: "If every night there was a lock-down for men only, from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM, what would you do (that you don't currently do for fear of getting hurt)?" In a moving blog post, Maya Tevet-Dayan*, notes that hundreds of responses were received. Women said that they would go to the beach on their own, walk alone on city streets after dark, ride their bikes in the fields near their homes, not worry when they send their daughters to the store or to a friend's house. What simple and mundane replies! Tevet-Dayan rightfully laments the expropriation of the public realm so that girls and women simply have no claim on it or the opportunity to exist in public spaces safely, when they are alone.  If you are not a girl or a woman, of any age, you most likely have never had the experience of knowing, all the time, that you can be hurt in the community. Stares, catcalling, body-shaming, being followed, being sho...

I recently met a young woman who was told by another therapist that an experience she had in high school "was not sexual assault". Without getting into the details of the incident (it actually WAS an assault), I want to focus here on confusion. In this world of changing, sometime conflicting, messages on what is expected of young people of all genders, in a global environment of instant gratification (Likes, for example) and lack of careful future planning (the climate crisis, for instance), where leaders are mostly measured by their wealth or fame rather than their vision for their community, is it any wonder that so many have no clear set of values to follow?  We'd all like to think that the children we are raising, our friends, colleagues, fellow students would never hurt anyone, but every person who abused, assaulted or raped has family members and friends who are shocked to learn of the horrific pain this person caused others. What messages are we sending to boys abo...

 What a year we are having! From early 2020, we have been dealing with the pain and loss of Corona-related illness and deaths, isolation, uncertainty, financial strain and loneliness. We are also seeing important shifts toward a more just, less racist, less greedy societies. It is quite the turmoil and it requires two things that most of us have difficulty doing- slowing down, and surrendering to the unknown. This is particularly challenging if you are a planner/organizer, who finds comfort in structures, preparations and set timelines. It may feel like you have no anchor beneath you, like everything is chaotic, unpredictable and unsound, as if the ground beneath you is shaky. There are many online resources on calming and grounding methods, and on practical tools for creating a structure for oneself is this somewhat structure-less time. What I suggest we add is a gentle, compassionate, self-assessment tool: "What is available to me right now?". The answer can direct us away ...

Are you an emotional fixer? Is it your role to make sure that the people you care about are happy and content? That there is harmony- always- and agreement for everyone around you? While peace and understanding are goals for which to strive, you may want to ask yourself a few questions: Is the harmony coming at the cost of minimizing, even eliminating, your own needs? Who assigned you this role? Are you trying to fix someone else's emotional distress for them? I believe that respectful conflict is essential to healthy relationships and that disagreements can be one way in which values are explored and refined. In my personal and professional experience, I have seen the emotional fixer take the impossible task of pleasing others and trying to heal wounds that are not their own, but it is never enough... We all have a responsibility to do our own emotional work. You can be caring, loving and supportive while setting healthy boundaries between you and others. Otherwise, the risk to y...

I recently spoke with a very seasoned therapist about the role of the therapist in the therapeutic process- is it to witness and contain, to observe and accompany or to help facilitate change? Should transformation come only as a result of the individual reaching insight on their own, or can the therapist take a more active role? There are recent peer-reviewed studies showing that the outcome of therapy is very closely tied to  therapists' characteristics , much more than to the type  of therapeutic modality (like CBT, DBT, etc.). "Interestingly, more effective psychiatrists, meeting regularly with patients, achieve better outcomes administering a placebo than do less effective psychiatrists administering antidepressant medication (McKay, Imel, & Wampold, 2006)!" 1 Among the qualities found to be necessary for effective therapists is creating an alliance that is steeped in empathy, collaboration, optimism and hope. Beyond the research, I believe that most individu...

As Spring becomes more present, as we start moving our bodies more, particularly outside, I turn my attention to a more micro understanding of "better". What does it mean to you, to be "doing better"? Even without the comparing-ourselves-to-others perspective I discussed in the part 1, what is at the root of the aspiration to better ourselves, for instance, do be fitter? I am certain that most of us know and appreciate the value of living a healthy lifestyle, eating nutritious food and exercising. But to what extent are some of us pushing our respective bodies beyond what is available to them without accounting for aging, physical or mental limitations? Are we adding guilt and shame where these emotions are not functional? It is an interesting tension to try and hold- striving to be healthy and fit AND accepting our bodies for what they can do at this moment in time. Maybe it is worthwhile for us to stop searching for "better" and start looking for "g...

This week I've been thinking about our need to "be better". There are 2 facets to this notion for me- for now I will discuss the more macro one. I'm wondering why "being better than..." is, well, better than just "being". When and how do we learn to compare ourselves to others in order to evaluate how we are doing, and who we are? It may be tempting to point a finger at parents and relatives, but while they are in most cases complicit in the comparison habit, we may want to look beyond the family to notice themes of contrast, competition and judgement. We all realize that comparing can be a useful tool in discerning where we need to improve and that competition can be a very effective motivator, but should they be our only tools of evaluation and motivation? And how does harsh judgement get used as we compare ourselves to others? I invite us all to explore our own relationship with comparison and competition and examine how they've impacted o...

Anger can be a powerful and useful tool for setting boundaries and stating what is acceptable to us. And it can be destructive, petty and hurtful. A lot of the work I do with the individuals I support is focused on identifying when Anger is needed, how to express it so it is helpful , and learning when Anger is a mask, hiding other feelings that needs attending to. When we remove our masks, we can connect in a more authentic, respectful and effective manner.

Recently, I had a wonderful opportunity to attempt mindful meditation using a different approach- one that does not propose only noticing thoughts that come to our head while we attempt to meditate, but one that suggests actually following these thoughts, learning from them and even celebrating them, instead of viewing them as a distraction.  This approach invites acceptance, gentleness and kindness directed at ourselves, since there is judgment even in labeling various thoughts or feelings during meditation as distracting or diverting from the “real” purpose of meditation.  It was fascinating and exciting to see where the mind, body and spirit can go when blame, shame, guilt, and following meditation “rules” are out of the way! If we treat even our challenging feelings and thoughts with compassion and welcome them into our consciousness (inside and outside a meditation process), we can learn so much about our commitments, values, identity, that was otherwise unavailab...

Mindfulness-based therapy modalities, such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy [DBT], make room for tension between two seemingly-opposite notions. One of the tents of DBT is the ongoing seesaw of Acceptance and Change. When facing a challenge, a decision that needs to be made, a moment of confusion, we may want to bring some clarity by asking ourselves what is needed right now- Acceptance, or Change. In order to do this effectively, we need to reflect on and identify the "uncontrollables" that we are so desperately trying to control; if we are trying to change something that is out of our control, and if we are attempting to accept something that requires change, we may find ourselves frustrated, hurt or stuck. Let's open the door to both possibilities and get support, if necessary, to choose the most helpful action for this moment in time.

Brown eyes are a danger to have, No matter how pretty they may be, shaped like big marbles or almonds, They bring suspicion, they make you A non-human, deserving of humiliation, or hurt, or death, Whether you are a young woman who just married, a Rabbi, a barber, a poet, the village Shochet, or A brown-eyed baby. Brown eyes. Brown hair. Brown skin; Colourless compassion is needed. With immense gratitude to Ettie Miller, for sharing her family's painful and wonderful story of survival.

On a wintry afternoon by the lake, I was out for a walk with a friend. As we reached an icy patch on the trail, I walked around it to avoid slipping. At the same time, my friend lunged forward and ran across the ice, sliding on it joyfully. It occurred to me in that moment that we can live our lives in either approach- avoiding perceived danger or charging toward perceived opportunity. It is necessary to differentiate between situations in order to avoid actual risk (physical or emotional), but my feeling is that most of us tend to lean more towards the pole of extreme caution. What do we lose by avoiding risks? How did we learn that taking a chance is scary or not worth trying? When did failure become such a bad word? Who do we need next to us as we chart a new, and often frightening, path? Important questions to explore... As for me, this moment on the trail led me to reflect on my own tendencies, and on the next icy patch I thrust myself forward and slid on the ice. A few more att...

Don't we seem to go faster and faster these days? Working or studying, running errands, caring for family members, keeping up with the constant news flow and with social media, and so much more... When, in all of this, do we stop and take a breath?  You may wonder why this is important- isn't it good to be productive, accomplished, busy? I would argue that productivity only improves when we take a break (and our vacation days!), and that the pressure of continuous movement is not the only (or best) way to be.  What do we miss when we rush? The opportunity to really be in a moment of connection, of insight, of growth. And perhaps we also miss out on the possibility to notice what, and who, is in our life, and how we feel about that. I invite you to stop for a few minutes a day (you can put a reminder on you phone…), and just be.

My life is cut into chunks of time: Fifty minutes, one hour, sixty seven moments of Wounded experiences, of Hidden revelations, pain and laughter and climbing The mountains of harsh hope. The wholeness of human mosaic Scratches my soul, dresses it in exhausted gratitude. © Michal Er-el

People often wonder when it is the right time to make a life changing decision, such as moving in together, quitting a job, leaving a long-term partner/ spouse or moving to another city (or country). Financial and practical factors are a big part of the decision-making process, but frequently emotional considerations take the lead. Emotionally-based decisions are not necessarily bad; feelings of frustration, anger, longing, etc. can be indicators that something needs to change, and they can show us the direction in which we need to move. However, few people (if any) are capable of making great decisions when they are in an emotional turmoil. It may be useful to take some time and carefully consider and plan a big life transition, and to decipher whether it is you making the change, or is it "upset", "anger", "disappointment" or "head over heals in love"  who is calling the shots. For most people, a less impulsive, more reflective choice has a bet...

Narrative Therapy- created by Michael White and David Epston- can be useful outside the therapy room. One key principle of Narrative Therapy is Externalization- distinguishing between a person and their problem. In my experience, it is also extremely useful to separate a specific behaviour or action from the person. Managing relationships in the work place, within your family or with your friends or your spouse/partner, can be done in a less emotionally-charged way once we learn to criticize a behaviour rather than criticizing the person. There are pitfalls, though, and a frank, respectful discussion about change can only lead to positive results if all involved are invested in the other's well-being... If you are in a personal relationship with someone who seems not to care about your happiness, I invite you to explore why you are there, and whether you need to make a change. More on the "right time" to make a change in the next post! The views and suggestions o...

Many times I wonder, mostly after hearing a story about a client's horrific childhood, whether any therapy can mend the "unmendable". Can a healer, a therapist, or anyone else, fill the excruciating void created by parents who were unable to provide the care, stability, warmth and nurturing all children need and deserve? And more specifically, can I, filled with great intentions, some good tools and strategies and a listening heart, really help ease the pain, shame, guilt and anger that survivors of a shattered childhood experience? A while back, I worked with a young woman whose childhood and teenage years were drastically impacted by her mother's experience in a residential school.* There seemed to be no measure for her hurt, caused by a harsh, judgmental and non-validating environment, and no end to her pain over the family conflict and relationships break-down that ensued as a result. As a therapist, I struggled to find an "anchor"- a goal, a dream,...