Skip to main content

Us Too- Part 2

About 2 weeks ago, a man asked women on Facebook the following question: "If every night there was a lock-down for men only, from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM, what would you do (that you don't currently do for fear of getting hurt)?" In a moving blog post, Maya Tevet-Dayan*, notes that hundreds of responses were received. Women said that they would go to the beach on their own, walk alone on city streets after dark, ride their bikes in the fields near their homes, not worry when they send their daughters to the store or to a friend's house. What simple and mundane replies! Tevet-Dayan rightfully laments the expropriation of the public realm so that girls and women simply have no claim on it or the opportunity to exist in public spaces safely, when they are alone. 

If you are not a girl or a woman, of any age, you most likely have never had the experience of knowing, all the time, that you can be hurt in the community. Stares, catcalling, body-shaming, being followed, being shown male genitalia (yes, in public. This happened to me in my 20s and apparently it's quite common), being assaulted. Just knowing this MAY happen anytime a woman leaves the safety of her home can often create self-censorship (how much skin do I show?), loss of independence and constant underlying fear, causing many women to minimize their presence in public or limit it to "safe times" or "safe places". We do not ask men to police themselves in such ways- why are we content with women having to do that? Why do we expect women to prevent someone else's aggression or violence?

Of course, this is a familiar and just as painful experience for queer and trans people, for people of colour and for those with visible disabilities as they walk our streets, parks and paths. Being in public is plainly dangerous for so many people, that one has to admire their courage to be present in the community, and to worry about the personal emotional impact on them. As a therapist, I see the toll that hyper-vigilance takes on individuals' well-being; I also fear for a society that expects some of its members to hide at home or hide their true selves so they do not get hurt. 

I do not believe that the answer is to have men (or any segment of the population) under a nightly lock-down; many men, indeed most men, are ethical, respectful, caring people. Many men are also vulnerable to violence in public spaces, a phenomenon that is probably under-reported. However, in many ways this is still a world in which women are "cautious guests", as Tevet-Dayan puts it. Let us work together so that we can all live without fear, stepping on solid ground wherever we go. 

* https://www.haaretz.co.il/family/mayatevetdayan/BLOG-1.9108030 (In Hebrew)



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Honouring the Available

 What a year we are having! From early 2020, we have been dealing with the pain and loss of Corona-related illness and deaths, isolation, uncertainty, financial strain and loneliness. We are also seeing important shifts toward a more just, less racist, less greedy societies. It is quite the turmoil and it requires two things that most of us have difficulty doing- slowing down, and surrendering to the unknown. This is particularly challenging if you are a planner/organizer, who finds comfort in structures, preparations and set timelines. It may feel like you have no anchor beneath you, like everything is chaotic, unpredictable and unsound, as if the ground beneath you is shaky. There are many online resources on calming and grounding methods, and on practical tools for creating a structure for oneself is this somewhat structure-less time. What I suggest we add is a gentle, compassionate, self-assessment tool: "What is available to me right now?". The answer can direct us away
Post a Comment
Read more

Us Too- Part 1

I recently met a young woman who was told by another therapist that an experience she had in high school "was not sexual assault". Without getting into the details of the incident (it actually WAS an assault), I want to focus here on confusion. In this world of changing, sometime conflicting, messages on what is expected of young people of all genders, in a global environment of instant gratification (Likes, for example) and lack of careful future planning (the climate crisis, for instance), where leaders are mostly measured by their wealth or fame rather than their vision for their community, is it any wonder that so many have no clear set of values to follow?  We'd all like to think that the children we are raising, our friends, colleagues, fellow students would never hurt anyone, but every person who abused, assaulted or raped has family members and friends who are shocked to learn of the horrific pain this person caused others. What messages are we sending to boys abo
Post a Comment
Read more

An Angry Angle

Anger can be a powerful and useful tool for setting boundaries and stating what is acceptable to us. And it can be destructive, petty and hurtful. A lot of the work I do with the individuals I support is focused on identifying when Anger is needed, how to express it so it is helpful , and learning when Anger is a mask, hiding other feelings that needs attending to. When we remove our masks, we can connect in a more authentic, respectful and effective manner.
Post a Comment
Read more