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Us Too- Part 2

About 2 weeks ago, a man asked women on Facebook the following question: "If every night there was a lock-down for men only, from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM, what would you do (that you don't currently do for fear of getting hurt)?" In a moving blog post, Maya Tevet-Dayan*, notes that hundreds of responses were received. Women said that they would go to the beach on their own, walk alone on city streets after dark, ride their bikes in the fields near their homes, not worry when they send their daughters to the store or to a friend's house. What simple and mundane replies! Tevet-Dayan rightfully laments the expropriation of the public realm so that girls and women simply have no claim on it or the opportunity to exist in public spaces safely, when they are alone. 

If you are not a girl or a woman, of any age, you most likely have never had the experience of knowing, all the time, that you can be hurt in the community. Stares, catcalling, body-shaming, being followed, being shown male genitalia (yes, in public. This happened to me in my 20s and apparently it's quite common), being assaulted. Just knowing this MAY happen anytime a woman leaves the safety of her home can often create self-censorship (how much skin do I show?), loss of independence and constant underlying fear, causing many women to minimize their presence in public or limit it to "safe times" or "safe places". We do not ask men to police themselves in such ways- why are we content with women having to do that? Why do we expect women to prevent someone else's aggression or violence?

Of course, this is a familiar and just as painful experience for queer and trans people, for people of colour and for those with visible disabilities as they walk our streets, parks and paths. Being in public is plainly dangerous for so many people, that one has to admire their courage to be present in the community, and to worry about the personal emotional impact on them. As a therapist, I see the toll that hyper-vigilance takes on individuals' well-being; I also fear for a society that expects some of its members to hide at home or hide their true selves so they do not get hurt. 

I do not believe that the answer is to have men (or any segment of the population) under a nightly lock-down; many men, indeed most men, are ethical, respectful, caring people. Many men are also vulnerable to violence in public spaces, a phenomenon that is probably under-reported. However, in many ways this is still a world in which women are "cautious guests", as Tevet-Dayan puts it. Let us work together so that we can all live without fear, stepping on solid ground wherever we go. 

* https://www.haaretz.co.il/family/mayatevetdayan/BLOG-1.9108030 (In Hebrew)



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