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When Pain is the Present


As many of us exercise mindfulness as a tool to enhance equanimity and emotional well-being, we may find it difficult to reconcile what seems like a conflict. On the one hand, we want to allow ourselves to experience all feelings, even the ones that bring discomfort or pain, while on the other hand we strive to accept that which we realistically cannot change. For example, how can we accept the grief over the death of a loved one, the loss of employment or a school year or a relationship, or over watching a parent deteriorate physically and cognitively? How can we accept what we so much wish to be different, while embracing the sadness, anguish and helplessness attached to that reality?

Perhaps the key is to honour both ends. We can make room for the feelings, like setting daily "worry time" or "crying time" over what is scary, frustrating or painful, AND create a space for some compassionate radical acceptance like saying to ourselves "I wish things could be different, this situation is so painful... AND this is the journey I am on", or: "I wish this didn't hurt so much, AND pain is also a part of life and cannot be avoided". When we can hold the tension between these two positions, we can hopefully eliminate (or reduce) the suffering which comes from trying to change what is unchangeable. Living in the "what if" or the "if only" of experiences we cannot control, will lead us away from wellness and from ourselves. We only have our own "right here and now" for which to attend, and from which to learn and grow.

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