Skip to main content

Can therapy really help?


Many times I wonder, mostly after hearing a story about a client's horrific childhood, whether any therapy can mend the "unmendable". Can a healer, a therapist, or anyone else, fill the excruciating void created by parents who were unable to provide the care, stability, warmth and nurturing all children need and deserve? And more specifically, can I, filled with great intentions, some good tools and strategies and a listening heart, really help ease the pain, shame, guilt and anger that survivors of a shattered childhood experience?
A while back, I worked with a young woman whose childhood and teenage years were drastically impacted by her mother's experience in a residential school.* There seemed to be no measure for her hurt, caused by a harsh, judgmental and non-validating environment, and no end to her pain over the family conflict and relationships break-down that ensued as a result. As a therapist, I struggled to find an "anchor"- a goal, a dream, anything to help this survivor in finding a way out of the anguish that appeared to be consuming her emotionally, and contributing to her serious health condition. It was a while before this client was able to identify and embrace her strengths and look forward into what, and whom, she wanted in her future.
This woman, a mother herself now, said in our last session, as we were talking about her next steps:  "This is the kind of conversation I could never have with my mother". She expressed sadness, but she also spoke of hope, of a renewed sense of confidence and self-assurance, which were created through our work together. She came to the last session with a broken arm; apparently, it took her a few days to realize that the arm is not just bruised, and requires medical attention. We spoke about this as a metaphor for life: Even when something is broken, and may never be perfectly fixed, one can have a rich, fulfilling and happy life, learning how to function with the existing injury (of course, we also talked about the need to recognize when one is hurting, and to get help...).
Does therapy always have a positive conclusion? Sadly, no. But sometimes, many times, when it is the right moment for the person to reach out, when the client and therapist work well together and develop a relationship based on trust, validation and respect, the individual's strengths, skills and abilities can shine through and help them re-author their lives. Your first chapters don't have to determine the rest of your book.
With thanks and great admiration to HP, for all that she taught me. I hope to make good use of her teachings to help others.

* A lot has been said and written about the atrocities of the residential schools and the consequential devastation of First Nations families and communities; you may want to read the chilling poem by Gary Geddes The Resumption of Play (in a book by the same title, 2016, Quattro Poetry) which captures the horror and trauma from the perspective of a child being snatched from his family and community to a residential school.

The views and suggestions on this blog are for informational purposes only; they do not presume to capture the full complexity of an individual situation nor do they pretend to offer comprehensive therapeutic consultations. If you need help, please contact a regulated professional (registered social workers, psychotherapists or psychologists). 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When Pain is the Present

As many of us exercise mindfulness as a tool to enhance equanimity and emotional well-being, we may find it difficult to reconcile what seems like a conflict. On the one hand, we want to allow ourselves to experience all feelings, even the ones that bring discomfort or pain, while on the other hand we strive to accept that which we realistically cannot change. For example, how can we accept the grief over the death of a loved one, the loss of employment or a school year or a relationship, or over watching a parent deteriorate physically and cognitively? How can we accept what we so much wish to be different, while embracing the sadness, anguish and helplessness attached to that reality? Perhaps the key is to honour both ends. We can make room for the feelings, like setting daily "worry time" or "crying time" over what is scary, frustrating or painful, AND create a space for some compassionate radical acceptance like saying to ourselves "I wish things could be d...
Post a Comment
Read more

Us Too- Part 2

About 2 weeks ago, a man asked women on Facebook the following question: "If every night there was a lock-down for men only, from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM, what would you do (that you don't currently do for fear of getting hurt)?" In a moving blog post, Maya Tevet-Dayan*, notes that hundreds of responses were received. Women said that they would go to the beach on their own, walk alone on city streets after dark, ride their bikes in the fields near their homes, not worry when they send their daughters to the store or to a friend's house. What simple and mundane replies! Tevet-Dayan rightfully laments the expropriation of the public realm so that girls and women simply have no claim on it or the opportunity to exist in public spaces safely, when they are alone.  If you are not a girl or a woman, of any age, you most likely have never had the experience of knowing, all the time, that you can be hurt in the community. Stares, catcalling, body-shaming, being followed, being sho...
Post a Comment
Read more

Us Too- Part 1

I recently met a young woman who was told by another therapist that an experience she had in high school "was not sexual assault". Without getting into the details of the incident (it actually WAS an assault), I want to focus here on confusion. In this world of changing, sometime conflicting, messages on what is expected of young people of all genders, in a global environment of instant gratification (Likes, for example) and lack of careful future planning (the climate crisis, for instance), where leaders are mostly measured by their wealth or fame rather than their vision for their community, is it any wonder that so many have no clear set of values to follow?  We'd all like to think that the children we are raising, our friends, colleagues, fellow students would never hurt anyone, but every person who abused, assaulted or raped has family members and friends who are shocked to learn of the horrific pain this person caused others. What messages are we sending to boys abo...
Post a Comment
Read more