This week I've been thinking about our need to "be better". There are 2 facets to this notion for me- for now I will discuss the more macro one. I'm wondering why "being better than..." is, well, better than just "being". When and how do we learn to compare ourselves to others in order to evaluate how we are doing, and who we are? It may be tempting to point a finger at parents and relatives, but while they are in most cases complicit in the comparison habit, we may want to look beyond the family to notice themes of contrast, competition and judgement. We all realize that comparing can be a useful tool in discerning where we need to improve and that competition can be a very effective motivator, but should they be our only tools of evaluation and motivation? And how does harsh judgement get used as we compare ourselves to others? I invite us all to explore our own relationship with comparison and competition and examine how they've impacted our perception of self; in what ways we participate in rivalry; and whether we can find alternative, perhaps kinder, means of becoming our authentic selves.
I recently watched Rocketman, a film based on Elton John's life and music. Beyond the music, dance and costumes, the film tells the story of a painful childhood steeped in invalidation and harsh criticism. In one moving moment, after hitting rock bottom, John offers his younger-self what was not available to him emotionally from his parents. That short scene sheds light on a dual need- the historical need in nurture, warmth and acceptance and the present-day need to feel loved, appreciated and heard. Not one of us can travel back in time to fill any needs that were not (fully) met and erase the pain of that deficit, and we all have the power to fill the void that continues to live in our present context. It takes work to develop this skill and to build a sense of emotional safety. I am always touched and grateful when I get to support individuals in this process and to witness their journey of self-healing. As Elton John and Bernie Taupin co-wrote (in 2001): I want lo...
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