Skip to main content

It's getting better all the time?

This week I've been thinking about our need to "be better". There are 2 facets to this notion for me- for now I will discuss the more macro one. I'm wondering why "being better than..." is, well, better than just "being". When and how do we learn to compare ourselves to others in order to evaluate how we are doing, and who we are? It may be tempting to point a finger at parents and relatives, but while they are in most cases complicit in the comparison habit, we may want to look beyond the family to notice themes of contrast, competition and judgement. We all realize that comparing can be a useful tool in discerning where we need to improve and that competition can be a very effective motivator, but should they be our only tools of evaluation and motivation? And how does harsh judgement get used as we compare ourselves to others? I invite us all to explore our own relationship with comparison and competition and examine how they've impacted our perception of self; in what ways we participate in rivalry; and whether we can find alternative, perhaps kinder, means of becoming our authentic selves. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Filling the Unfillable Void

I recently watched Rocketman, a film based on Elton John's life and music. Beyond the music, dance and costumes, the film tells the story of a painful childhood steeped in invalidation and harsh criticism. In one moving moment, after hitting rock bottom, John offers his younger-self what was not available to him emotionally from his parents. That short scene sheds light on a dual need- the historical need in nurture, warmth and acceptance and the present-day need to feel loved, appreciated and heard.  Not one of us can travel back in time to fill any needs that were not (fully) met and erase the pain of that deficit, and we all have the power to fill the void that continues to live in our present context. It takes work to develop this skill and to build a sense of emotional safety. I am always touched and grateful when I get to support individuals in this process and to witness their journey of self-healing.  As Elton John and Bernie Taupin co-wrote (in 2001):  I want lo...

When Pain is the Present

As many of us exercise mindfulness as a tool to enhance equanimity and emotional well-being, we may find it difficult to reconcile what seems like a conflict. On the one hand, we want to allow ourselves to experience all feelings, even the ones that bring discomfort or pain, while on the other hand we strive to accept that which we realistically cannot change. For example, how can we accept the grief over the death of a loved one, the loss of employment or a school year or a relationship, or over watching a parent deteriorate physically and cognitively? How can we accept what we so much wish to be different, while embracing the sadness, anguish and helplessness attached to that reality? Perhaps the key is to honour both ends. We can make room for the feelings, like setting daily "worry time" or "crying time" over what is scary, frustrating or painful, AND create a space for some compassionate radical acceptance like saying to ourselves "I wish things could be d...

Using Narrative Therapy in Daily Life and Relationships

Narrative Therapy- created by Michael White and David Epston- can be useful outside the therapy room. One key principle of Narrative Therapy is Externalization- distinguishing between a person and their problem. In my experience, it is also extremely useful to separate a specific behaviour or action from the person. Managing relationships in the work place, within your family or with your friends or your spouse/partner, can be done in a less emotionally-charged way once we learn to criticize a behaviour rather than criticizing the person. There are pitfalls, though, and a frank, respectful discussion about change can only lead to positive results if all involved are invested in the other's well-being... If you are in a personal relationship with someone who seems not to care about your happiness, I invite you to explore why you are there, and whether you need to make a change. More on the "right time" to make a change in the next post! The views and suggestions o...