Skip to main content

Emotional Fixers- Rewards and Risks

Are you an emotional fixer? Is it your role to make sure that the people you care about are happy and content? That there is harmony- always- and agreement for everyone around you? While peace and understanding are goals for which to strive, you may want to ask yourself a few questions: Is the harmony coming at the cost of minimizing, even eliminating, your own needs? Who assigned you this role? Are you trying to fix someone else's emotional distress for them?
I believe that respectful conflict is essential to healthy relationships and that disagreements can be one way in which values are explored and refined. In my personal and professional experience, I have seen the emotional fixer take the impossible task of pleasing others and trying to heal wounds that are not their own, but it is never enough... We all have a responsibility to do our own emotional work. You can be caring, loving and supportive while setting healthy boundaries between you and others. Otherwise, the risk to you emotionally may be too costly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Honouring the Available

 What a year we are having! From early 2020, we have been dealing with the pain and loss of Corona-related illness and deaths, isolation, uncertainty, financial strain and loneliness. We are also seeing important shifts toward a more just, less racist, less greedy societies. It is quite the turmoil and it requires two things that most of us have difficulty doing- slowing down, and surrendering to the unknown. This is particularly challenging if you are a planner/organizer, who finds comfort in structures, preparations and set timelines. It may feel like you have no anchor beneath you, like everything is chaotic, unpredictable and unsound, as if the ground beneath you is shaky. There are many online resources on calming and grounding methods, and on practical tools for creating a structure for oneself is this somewhat structure-less time. What I suggest we add is a gentle, compassionate, self-assessment tool: "What is available to me right now?". The answer can direct us away
Post a Comment
Read more

Us Too- Part 1

I recently met a young woman who was told by another therapist that an experience she had in high school "was not sexual assault". Without getting into the details of the incident (it actually WAS an assault), I want to focus here on confusion. In this world of changing, sometime conflicting, messages on what is expected of young people of all genders, in a global environment of instant gratification (Likes, for example) and lack of careful future planning (the climate crisis, for instance), where leaders are mostly measured by their wealth or fame rather than their vision for their community, is it any wonder that so many have no clear set of values to follow?  We'd all like to think that the children we are raising, our friends, colleagues, fellow students would never hurt anyone, but every person who abused, assaulted or raped has family members and friends who are shocked to learn of the horrific pain this person caused others. What messages are we sending to boys abo
Post a Comment
Read more

Filling the Unfillable Void

I recently watched Rocketman, a film based on Elton John's life and music. Beyond the music, dance and costumes, the film tells the story of a painful childhood steeped in invalidation and harsh criticism. In one moving moment, after hitting rock bottom, John offers his younger-self what was not available to him emotionally from his parents. That short scene sheds light on a dual need- the historical need in nurture, warmth and acceptance and the present-day need to feel loved, appreciated and heard.  Not one of us can travel back in time to fill any needs that were not (fully) met and erase the pain of that deficit, and we all have the power to fill the void that continues to live in our present context. It takes work to develop this skill and to build a sense of emotional safety. I am always touched and grateful when I get to support individuals in this process and to witness their journey of self-healing.  As Elton John and Bernie Taupin co-wrote (in 2001):  I want love, just a
Post a Comment
Read more